


Sober

by buffylovezsupercat



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 04:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13333608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buffylovezsupercat/pseuds/buffylovezsupercat
Summary: We fall for each other at the wrong time Only for a moment, but I don't mind Guess I don't know where to draw the line, the line, the line And we'll play the same game every nightUp in the clouds Yeah, you know how to make me want you When we come down Oh I know, yeah I know, it's overYou don't know how to love me when you're sober When the bottle's done you pull me closer And you're saying all the things that you're supposed to But you don't know how to love me when you're soberWhy is it so different when we wake up? Same lips, same kiss, but not the same touch Don't you know that you do it just enough, but not enough But I know what's next, and I want so much





	Sober

**Author's Note:**

> Well this has been in my head for the better part of 4 months and i finally got it down. This is a bit of an angsty fic with an ending i hated myself for writing. This has been heavily inspired by the song Sober by Selena Gomez. So i encourage you to listen to it when reading or at least look up the lyrics.

The crisp night air was biting and nippy unusually so for Southern California fall weather. But to the single occupant standing on the roof of one of National City’s tallest buildings it went unnoticed. The short slim figure stood looking out to the skyline looking out at all she had given up. This used to be her empire and she had always believed that when she returned it would have been fulfilled and ready to take her throne. But somehow lately nothing has been going as expected. 

She wasn’t supposed to be back in National City so soon and yet thanks to the idiocies of her ex-husband here she was standing on the edge of her building incredibly inebriated and most of all alone. This was supposed to have been the first Thanksgiving she would be spending with her son. She was ready now that she didn’t have CatCo taking up her time. And that was why she was in the city. She was to pick up Carter from his father’s, so they could fly to Metropolis where a dinner would be waiting for them. But it wasn’t meant to be when she was informed the night before that he was taking Carter down to San Diego instead. And for the second time in her life she didn’t fight to keep her son with her. 

So that’s how she started her first Thanksgiving off of CatCo, the same as if she’d never left. Well almost the same. Because for the last two years she hadn’t really been as alone as she was used to on this date. She was accompanied on and off through the day by her assistant. The first time it had happened it was that first year she came on and when her computer began to glitch she didn’t even think of calling the sweater hobbit. Her fingers had already pressed send when her brain caught up with what she had done. She had called for Kara instead who came in with a cheery smile, and helped her retrieve the necessary files she needed for her conference call with whatever European country she was contacting that year. 

She felt something different during that hour or, so she spent there making small talk and giving her that patented Sunny Danvers Smile. Something that changed when she left. For the next few hours she tried to understand what it was that had felt different. And it wasn’t until her fourth glass of scotch and another crisis had arose and she had to call Kara back that she identified the feeling. Contentment. For so many years she had spent this day alone working but now that she had the company she saw that she didn’t like being alone at least with right company. She was happy to have the girl around which elated her and frightened her all at the same time. So when the third crisis came up that day she didn’t call her back and after her skype meeting ended she drank all those thoughts away. 

It wasn’t until the following year when that same date approached fast that she was dreading and anticipating its arrival. Things had picked up after Supergirl’s arrival to National City so there would be a lot for her to focus her mind on. But then again she would be spending it alone something she didn’t mind doing until the previous year. So when that date rolled around she tried to find any excuse to call in her assistant for help but somehow when she actually wanted things to go wrong everything went according. And if it hadn’t been for Leslie Willis targeting her she wouldn’t have any excuse to call in Kara. That day changed her view completely on the girl and in fact made her interest in her increase. And interest that she spent until just about a few months ago fighting against. 

Her feelings had grown, and she couldn’t fight them no matter how hard she tried. Somehow, she had become a walking cliché and had fallen hard for her assistant. She had become what she hated and after months of fighting her increasing attraction she knew she couldn’t keep her tethered to her. So, fighting against every instinct that wanted to keep the girl close telling her to be selfish she promoted Kara Danvers and gave her the opportunity to pick her new position at CatCo. The distance wasn’t enough though since she kept running into the girl continuously at the office since their relationship shifted from boss to employee and mentor to mentee to somewhere in the area of tentative friendship.

So she did the only thing she could do. She ran under the pretense of needing to find herself and new challenges. Never once letting on that she was actually running from herself and the traitorous feelings she harbored for the younger girl. 

Swearing that she wouldn’t return to National City until then and yet here she was. Barely a few months since her departure standing at the literal precipice of the building she now only owned by name. Because of course she would come here when she was feeling alone and wanted comfort. Since she now had no excuse to call Kara to her she tried to seek comfort from the only other thing she had held close to her. But walking back into her old office was bittersweet and found it held no more comfort than her cold and empty apartment. James had take over and had basically left it all the same but she noticed the little things out of place. It made her feel like an outsider looking in, a fact that felt made her blood run cold effectively sobering her up. She couldn’t stay there but she had sent her driver home to spend the last hours of the night with his family so she couldn’t go home. And not liking the thoughts that began to creep up when she saw Kara’s old desk sporting none of the trinkets that she had gotten used over the last two years. She made her way to the wet bar she had usually kept stocked with decanters full of expensive scotch and brandy. Rifling through she found half full decanters and none of the bottles she kept stored underneath. Only bottles of cheap whiskey and vodka. Grabbing the first two bottles closest to her she made her way back to her private elevator and made her way to the roof. Knowing full well no one would see her drowning her sorrows. 

So that was how she ended up there barefoot, swaying slightly as she stood on the edge of the building as tears slowly fell down her face, as her slim well-manicured fingers held the near empty bottle of cheap whiskey. She had spent the majority of the day drowning herself, so she wouldn’t feel the loneliness seep through. And yet here she was thinking about the only person who could make the loneliness dissipate away into a distant memory but unfortunately, she didn’t know she was in town. 

She must be at her apartment eating dinner surrounded by her foster family and of course the I.T. hobbit and her boyfriend; James Olsen. She had lost without even attempting to play. And she was just happy to know that Kara was happy even if that was without her in the picture. Making her understand yet again that her decision although near impossible to make was the correct one. 

Closing her eyes she whispered her name before taking the last mouthful the bottle held as she discarded the empty bottle over her shoulder. The movement making her loose the little balance she possessed making her foot slip off the ledge the rest of her following soon after. And just like the last time she had taken a fall of her building her last thoughts were of Kara and how she wasn’t going to save her this time around. Her muddled mind couldn’t even let her scream like before her body letting gravity take over she embraced her fate. 

_______________________________________________________

Dinner had been a little more uncomfortable than last year what with Winn and James acting strangely around her, Alex taking to the bottle of wine like if it held all the answers, the Daxamite shamelessly flirt with Eliza. But the thing that made her feel even more uncomfortable was Eliza attempting to set her up with said Daxamite. She knew her views of him had begun to shift after the previous week when they were both captured by Cadmus. Where she once felt disgust and anger every time he was near or he opened his mouth now she felt pity for him. What he did last week was almost selfless and it would have made an even bigger impact if he hadn’t been an absolute jerk and tried to make himself feel better by tearing her down. 

Plus, she wasn’t ready to move on or start anything with anyone. She had tried it once already and things hadn’t gone anywhere with James which was why she had ended things with him. She had too much on her mind for her to focus on anything else or maybe if she was being truthful she had more of a someone invading her every thought. But she couldn’t go back there. She couldn’t think about her specially now that she was abandoned by her and was left when she needed her the most. She needed to get Cat Grant out her mind if she wanted to focus on her late-night patrol over National City. 

After that rift opened during dinner about an hour ago Alex called in Hank at the DEO and while they monitored for anymore rifts he told her to patrol the city for any anomalies. So, dinner ended early and Alex took Eliza to her apartment while Winn took Mon-el with him and Jimmy followed them. So, she needed to focus to keep an eye out for anything further out of the ordinary and to do that she needed to get her mind off of the woman who had hurt her. Sure she was happy that she wasn’t dying like she had originally thought when Cat had tried to say goodbye. Which was a very likely scenario in her head since she always believed that the only way Cat Grant would ever leave CatCo would be when she died. 

But things changed and now she was left here while Cat was out there diving because she was bored. CatCo wasn’t enough anymore for her, she wasn’t enough for her. For days after she questioned herself. She tried to make sense on why she felt like she did. Why did Cat leaving make her feel empty? She couldn’t pinpoint why she couldn’t understand it and it wasn’t until a much-needed sisters night in that Alex spelled it out for her. Kara Danvers was head over heels in love with her boss.

She knew she harbored a small crush on her boss which was also pointed at by Alex who seemed much too perceptive on her sister’s love life than on her own. But she never imagined it had evolved to that extreme. She was affected by that revelation for days after. But it was never about the fact that she liked her female employer it was that she fell in love with Cat Grant, CEO and majority owner of a billion-dollar empire. The woman wore shirts and skirts that would require months of her salary to pay for. The woman who had purchased a small island on a whim because the board members angered her. The woman who would purchase competing publication’s because they printed an article on her son, strip it bare and work her way up.

Kara knew that she could never let her know because there was no way her boss would ever feel like that towards her. Cat Grant could never love her meek, mild-mannered, wall flower assistant. She would never look at her like she looks at Supergirl. And never in a million years would she try to woo her as Supergirl because it would kill her to see Cat push her away if she revealed herself to be Kara Danvers. 

Which was why she invested herself in pursuing a relationship with James, on why she flaunted it in front of the CEO to see if there was a reaction, which there never was. The only time she saw any reaction from her was when her new friend Barry Allen came to town and she was at least seventy-three percent sure that was because he was threat to Supergirl. So even when she knew that this relationship could never go past the friend stage, Cat leaving hurt her more than she could have possibly imagined.

It was strange that sometimes she still seeks out her heartbeat to lull herself to sleep or to calm down her senses when she was flustered. Aside from Alex, Cat was the only other human whose mere existence could sooth her, but unlike Alex, Cat could also destroy her by just existing. At times just like now she could sometimes imagine her heartbeat being so close that if she’d open her eyes she could see her standing close by as she would call her name. 

And no matter how low she’d whisper her name it would reverberate in her head and heart like a sweet symphony. Like it was right now. Which it shouldn’t because Cat wasn’t in National City. She was in Metropolis diving or at least that’s what was written on her schedule. She knows that, that sounds a little stalkerish but if needing to know where she was at any given point made her relax after years of doing just that then yes, she was guilty. She needed to make sure, so she opened her senses and tried to pinpoint her heartbeat. Which right now was beating out of control and was closer than she thought. 

Finally pinpointing it she followed its path quickly when something about it seemed off. And when she saw the figure falling she knew who it was immediately and pushed herself to get to her before she reached the ground. Feeling the buildings rumble as she passed them and knowing there might be a few cracked windows left behind didn’t faze her. All she knew was that she had to save her. 

There were seven stories left when she felt the body land on her arms and before she could process if Cat was alright she flew them up to the roof of the building. Landing softly so as to not hurt the woman held tenderly in her arms she felt glass crunch under her boots. Looking down she saw the remains of a bottle and a Johnnie Walker black label still stuck to a shard as well as the discarded black Louis Vuitton pumps that lay haphazardly strewn near. 

Before she could understand what had happened up here she felt a pair of arms wrap around her neck as well as soft caress of hot air on her neck as Cat whispered. “Am, I dead?”

Kara’s confusion shifted into heated rage thinking that the older blonde had actually tried to jump to her demise. “What the Hell do you think you were doing up here, Cat? Were you trying to kill yourself?” Her words made the woman cradled in her arms almost fall out her arms, forcing her to tighten her grip, as the woman looked up at her as if she was just sensing her presence for the first time. Kara walked away from the broken shards while she continued to reprimand Cat. “Is that what this was? Drinking yourself silly so you could jump off your building to your death? What were you thinking doing something so selfish and stupid like that?”

Once satisfied she had cleared the shards of glass Kara relaxed her grip allowing Cat to jump out of her arms. Bare feet landing unsteadily Cat wasn’t able to regain any balance before landing on her ass a few feet away. Grunting at the impact Cat closed her eyes momentarily as if trying to regain her bearings. Slowly her eyes opened and stared unfocused at the costumed hero standing in front of her.

“K…Supergirl, what, what are you doing here? What happened?”

“What…you tried to kill yourself, Cat! That’s what happened.”

“No, I wouldn’t, I would never do that.”

“Really? Then explain the empty broken whiskey bottle, your expensive heels strewn about and oh, yeah, you jumping off the roof of your building.”

Looking past the caped figure before her she saw everything she was pointing out. Seeing it for the first time from this distance she observed that anyone walking in would reach the same conclusion. Swallowing hard past the knot that was forming in the back of her throat as her near demise finally hit her. She almost died when she slipped off the roof and her sweet Kara thought she was trying to kill herself. 

“I didn’t…I would never…I lost my balance and slipped. Supergirl you have to believe me.”

“You slipped? Why were you at the edge of the building?” Kara still looked skeptical but her never ending optimism seemed to be slipping through.

Needing to get as much equal ground with the superhero as she could she slowly climbed to her feet. Whatever adrenaline still coursing through her began to sober her up allowing her a steadier stance. 

“I was,” taking a deep breathe Cat was ready to placate her former assistant with a lie but what came next she would blame on the cheap whiskey and raging emotions. “I couldn’t stand being alone in my apartment being reminded that my son chose to spend today with his father, so I came here.”

“To the roof?”

“I stopped by my office first, but it didn’t feel like mine anymore. And I couldn’t go back home so I grabbed some of James’ choice bottles and decided to find a place that wasn’t as suffocating, yet familiar. And unfortunately, there’s no balcony up her to keep me upright.” Unable to look at the pitying look Kara was bound to be sending her she ran her hands though her wind-swept hair and turned away to look out at the city.

“You were lonely.” Kara stated. “Why didn’t you cal – why did Carter not spend today with you? He loves the time you both share. I mean from what I’ve seen from afar.”

“He was going to, but my idiot ex-husband happened. Carter was excited to see his grandmother when his father told him he was going spend today with her. I didn’t want to make him choose so I let him go. I’m used to spending today on my own so it wasn’t a problem.”

“But there was or there must have been if you somehow decided that drinking yourself into oblivion on top of a skyscraper was a great idea. Plus, you really haven’t spent the last few years completely alone, right?” Kara said the last part before that part of her brain that sounded a lot like her sister could stop her.

“Oh, please, Keira you aren’t my assistant anymore for me to be calling you with any little problem.” The words she said didn’t really register until she heard the sharp intake of breath from Kara. Her body froze waiting for the kryptonian’s response. 

All the while Kara’s mind was racing hoping that she hadn’t heard Cat correctly but the lack of response or movement from the smaller blonde indicated otherwise. They stood there for what it seemed like an eternity before Kara spoke again. 

“Cat we’ve been over - ” whatever excuse Kara had ready died in her throat when Cat turned to face her eyes glassy, tears streaming and a look of pure heartache etched on her face. For the first time since knowing her Kara couldn’t see the walls Cat maintained but the insecurities and vulnerability that were always kept hidden. 

“Please, Kara, not tonight. Just don’t lie to me, I’m not an idiot or as ignorant people think I am. Tomorrow I’ll play your little game and feign ignorance but for tonight just let me have this.” She said her voice sounding broken.

Kara reached the smaller woman in one step, arms circling around the petite torso as she tried to comfort her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you cry. It hurts me when I see your tears. I never wanted to be the cause of them ever. And I don’t think any of that of you. I know you’re more than the mask you show the world because I can see you.”

Cat pulled back and looked at the taller woman with a look of pure amazement and adoration. And they stood like that staring into each other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity trying to figure the other one out. And when looking back neither blonde would be able to clearly say who began kissing who but there they stood. Kissing fervently and passionately both seeking dominance. Until Kara pulled back remembering Cat’s state of mind and lack of sobriety.

“Cat we – we shouldn’t. we need to stop because in the morning you won’t just be regretting the alcohol but also this.”

“Never.” Cat said as she began to lay wet kisses down Kara’s neck and throat. “I want this.” Kiss. “So much.” Kiss. “Kara, I would never.” Kiss. “ever regret anything I do.” Kiss. “with you be it this or anything else.” She lays on last kiss before pulling back and looking at the hero. “I love you.”

Kara looked down into her eyes trying to find any deception but only finding love and adoration shining through. making her mind up she leaned down pressing her lips to Cat’s the kiss starting out tentative and soft. And as if trying to convey every emotion towards the other blonde Kara’s lips began to move with purpose and dominance. Cat took this time to wrap her hands around Kara’s neck just as Kara pulled her closer making Cat groan as their centers pressed together. Feeling the shorter blonde’s lips part Kara took the chance to slip her tongue in play. The taste of liquor though off-putting to her tongue it didn’t diminish the sensation. It was all Kara could hope for making her feel weightless. And soon she felt Cat tremble making her pull back. 

Looking around she saw that she had literally flown up near the clouds the only thing keeping Cat from freezing was her body heat. But she wasn’t the only one to take notice when Cat spoke up.

“Maybe we should go somewhere warmer. My apartment is empty.”

_______________________________________________________

Stretching out, as sleep began to fade, with a smile remembering the previous night Kara’s arm searched for the body she knew should be next to her. But soon enough the smile vanished when her hand fell on an empty cold space. jerking up she looked at the empty space still messy as if someone had laid there recently. Stretching her senses, she tried to listen for the other woman. This being her apartment of course she should be up and about but the only thing that greeted her was quiet.

No, she couldn’t, Cat wouldn’t leave her again. Could she? She did leave her before but that was before this happened. But she wouldn’t be as cold hearted to do it again not after admitting that she loved her. Her head took in Cat’s bedroom searching for any clue as to where she had gone. And there on the pillow next to her was a folded piece of paper. Reaching out slowly she picked it up and read it, immediately all the tension fell at the words written.

‘Kara,  
went out to get breakfast, will be back in a bit.  
-Cat’

She didn’t abandon her. With a smile she got up and headed to Cat’s bathroom to shower quickly before Cat returned. 

_______________________________________________________

Cat opened the door as quietly as she could, trying to postpone the inevitable talk that was long overdue. She had a lot to think about after waking up to find Kara in bed with her. A surprise that lasted no more than a few minutes before the fuzzy memories of the prior night flashed in her mind. Memories that made her happy and satisfied before she remembered why she had left and all the reasons she wasn’t right for Kara.

So, when the few tendrils of sun light began to make their way in through the sides of the heavy curtains, that was when she had made up her mind and decided to get up and scrounge up some food. As soon as she realized that her pantry and fridge were bare she fixed herself up, sent out two texts and left a note for Kara, as she walked out of her bathroom and out the front door. 

Even on her trip out she made sure think and rethink every little detail. Her mind hadn’t changed and now she just hoped that things between her and Kara would one-day mend themselves after what she was about to do. She made herself busy setting out the food she brought back with and once satisfied she took a seat and waited. Not soon after she heard movement coming from her bedroom and knowing that Kara would soon walk out she closed herself off and steeled her features. No matter how much it would hurt her she needed to do this for Kara. 

_______________________________________________________

The water pressure in the shower felt wonderful on her pleasantly aching muscles. She didn’t want to get out but hearing the door open and Cat’s steady heartbeat she finished quickly. Racing out of the shower mindful to not make a mess and to dry herself thoroughly before putting back on her Super suit. And giving herself a once over on Cat’s vanity mirror she picked up her phone and made her way out to the kitchen where she could sense Cat. 

The first thing that greeted her was the food placed out making her mouth water. She hadn’t eaten and if the time on her phone was correct then it was almost close to eleven in the morning and she was starving. She did have a great dinner the night before, but she missed her usual after patrol meal and after the thorough workout Cat had given her last night her body was craving nourishment. Spotting Cat, sitting at the table she made her way to her planted a small kiss. But pulled back when she felt Cat barely respond to it. 

“Is everything okay, Cat?”

“Of course, what could possibly be wrong? Take a seat and eat before it gets too cold.”

Immediately Kara knew something was wrong when Cat wouldn’t meet her eyes and her voice sounded cold and detached. Refusing to sit she instead decided to get to the bottom of this. 

“No, something is certainly wrong when you can’t even look me in the eyes when you’re talking to me.”

“Kara, there’s nothing wrong just sit down and eat.”

“You’re doing it again. I don’t care about the food, just look me in the eyes and talk to me.”

“Kara –”

“No, if you are going to speak to me then at least give the courtesy to look me in the face, Cat. I can feel you closing yourself up. And don’t tell me you’re not because I’ve seen it happen before and I can recognize the signs.” After some time passed and Cat still wouldn’t look at her Kara felt her world crumble under her. And barely keeping her tears at bay but unable to keep her voice from cracking she tried desperately once more. “Cat, please.”

Cat finally looked up face and eyes expressionless looking through her not at her.

“I’m leaving.”

“What?” tears finally falling Kara questioned back.

“I’m leaving in a few hours. And Kara, what happened last night, I’m sorry for letting it get that far. But if you accept my apology maybe we can still maintain our tentative friendship.” 

“Is this a joke?”

“No, it’s no joke. I’m serious Kara, what happened last night shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry I took advantage of you last night and…”

“You said you wouldn’t regret, you said you wanted this to happen. Whatever it is you’re doing you need to stop and talk this over with me. Because the Cat Grant I know would never lie, My Cat isn’t a liar.”

“I lied about not knowing your identity, I lied about why I left, I lied why I promoted you, I lied last night.”

“Did you get bored so quickly that you decided you would come back and manipulate me and play with my emotions? Or did you finally figure out my feelings for you and decided that this was finally a way you could break me.”

Jumping from her seat she faced Kara. “No don’t ever…I may be a cold-hearted bitch, but I would never stoop that low. I would never intentionally hurt you. I’m leaving because this could never work. And although I’ll always cherish what happened last night I can’t give you want you want.”

“And what is it you think I want Cat? If you think you know me so well what is it, because you leaving is shattering me, breaking me more than any villain has ever succeeded in doing.”

“You want a relationship, Kara. You want a healthy, stable relationship. Something I could never give you. Look at me; I’m a bitter, angry, selfish, old-woman who could never give you stable. I have a son your age that you’ve previously dated, and I may not be CatCo’s CEO anymore but if the press ever found out I was dating my ex-assistant they would hound you. You wouldn’t have a moment of peace which would put your secret identity in jeopardy.”

“I don’t want that. As long as I have you with me even in secret I would be happy. It would be everything I’d ever need.”

“No, you wouldn’t be happy because in the end you would end up resenting me for it and this lie would eventually drive a wedge between you and your family. I really never meant to hurt you, but I have to go my plane leaves soon. Goodbye, Kara.”

_______________________________________________________

Walking out of the makeshift headquarters, Kara was close to a breaking point. The Daxamites have begun their invasion, they’re holding her best friend hostage and they took her boyfriend, who just happened to be their prince. And on top of that Cat was back in National City and forcing her to face her by almost getting herself killed.

Cat Grant who she was barely getting out of her mind. The same woman who almost ended up breaking her not once, not twice but more than a dozen times. That night over five months ago that didn’t remain an isolated event but had expanded. She had believed that she wouldn’t see Cat after she had essentially broken her heart. But oh, boy was she wrong, it had happen again but this time it happened at her apartment two days after Christmas. 

Kara had opened the door that night to find an intoxicated Cat Grant who immediately threw herself at her kissing her. Kara had tried to push her away remembering how they had left things. But after Cat had whispered apologies and laid bare her soul to her they had ended up back in bed waking up to Cat barely able to kiss her or look at her before making up another excuse and leaving. Which happened again a third and a fourth a fifteenth and an eighteenth time. Times when she had a boyfriend she was being unfaithful to who she couldn’t bare to look at without feeling guilty. So, in just a few words after their most recent rendezvous it was that she told Cat she wouldn’t accept being her fuck buddy and that until she knew what she had wanted to come back to her. That had been a little over two months ago and she hadn’t heard from the older woman which made her throw herself completely into the unhealthy relationship she had with Mon-el. 

“You look overwhelmed.”

Jumping at the voice she turned to face the woman sitting properly on top of a cardboard covered metal bin.

“By Ra’o you scared me, Cat. What are you doing out here?”

“Taking a breather. It’s getting a little stuffy and hostile in there. And by the looks of it you’re doing the same.”

“Yeah, but what,” Kara came to a stop by the bin leaning into the large green trashcan next to it. Deciding that maybe asking her old boss ‘what are you doing back in National City not smelling like a brewery?’ was a little too hostile. So, she switched gears. “it was getting a little crowded in there like you said.”

“I bet. So, I heard that you had people taken up there. Is that why you’re adamant against using that weapon against their ships?”

“Yeah, I still think I can get them out, but my sister thinks it’ll be a suicide mission. It’s like she doesn’t believe in me anymore.”

“She still believes in you, Kara. But what you’re seeing isn’t her losing faith in you. It’s a young woman who is afraid of losing her sister. She loves you and though you’ve faced countless powerful foes unfortunately these aliens have actually brought an army. And forgive me if I’m being to straightforward but who did they take? Since your sister, Winslow and James are still out and about.”

“No, it’s fine, they took my best friend, Lena Luthor and my boyfriend.”

From her periphery vision she was able to see Cat’s face fall for a split second before she was able to rebuild her mask and lift her head up to look at the dark night sky. And softly she whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry about, Cat? You didn’t take them up there. Or maybe you’re apologizing for something else.” Yes, it made her sound bitter but the other woman’s renewed nonchalance reminded her of all those mornings when Cat would apologize without looking her in the eyes.

“I understand your anger Kara and you’re right in feeling it. I apologize for you loosing your friend and significant other. But I’m also apologizing for not being there for you like I should have.”

“Really cause after months of dropping in and then leaving time after time, you made it perfectly clear you didn’t want to be here anymore. There’s no need to apologize, Cat. And I won’t even ask where you’ve been, because somehow I expected this from you.”

Kara heard the other woman’s deep shuddering breathe. 

“I deserved that. I really did. I know that I hurt and then disappeared without reaching out. I deserve your anger, Kara, I truly do. I never explained anything to you and you deserve an explanation. I’m not expecting forgiveness, but I just think that you at least deserve that.” Cat turned to look at the younger woman who was still facing away from her. “Do you want to know why I left that first time all those months ago?”

“According to you because you were bored of your life and wanted to Dive into new challenges.”

“Yes, actually that was one of the reasons or at least the only reason I fooled myself into blindly believing. But in reality, I didn’t want to explore new waters. I didn’t want to leave CatCo. But I did anyway because I was afraid. I was afraid of what I was feeling and actually believed that if I ran from my them I would be happier. That night on the roof when I told you I loved you it wasn’t the alcohol talking. And neither where any of other times. For so long I felt something for you and no matter what I did those feelings gained strength instead. That day when you came to me and told me what job you wanted I saw someone who was just starting out. I saw the passion and the emotion that burned brightly still. And it made me fall further for you I had wanted so badly to tell you how I felt but then I saw James walking out his office. And realized that if I wanted you to go far I couldn’t be around you because I would always forget you had James and I had no chance with you. It sounds childish but if I wanted to fight my ever-growing feelings I needed to be away from you. But no matter how far I ran you were always there haunting me. It got worse after Thanksgiving. I couldn’t get you out of my head, so I drank to forget you for at least a few hours. But instead my lack of inhibition made come to you because only being near you made me feel something other than loathing for myself. But then morning came, and I was back where I started. The panic would set in and I would convince myself that I would only drag you down and break you. Which I was already doing by coming to you and then leaving. Then you finally confronted me and everything you said was right. So, on my way to the airport after going over your words I knew I wasn’t happy, so I asked Siri where the happiest place on earth was and she said Bhutan. I needed help and I needed to find myself before I could come back to you. I got sober and moved into a yurt. And seeing all these people enjoying life without a care in the world about what others thought of them, enjoying life with only family, community and the bare essentials; it made me understand that your happiness you were what made me happy.”

She didn’t think she could survive Cat breaking her heart for the hundredth time. She couldn’t allow herself to be vulnerable around Cat. The heartache she had endured after every visit felt like Kryptonite burning in her veins. Poisonous and killing her slowly. She couldn’t ever go back to that. She couldn’t expose herself to that toxicity. Finally turning to face the shorter blonde Kara looked her in the eyes and as convincing as she could make herself sound she replied. “I am Happy, now, Cat. It took me months, but I am happy again for the first time in a long time.” 

“That’s all I wanted to hear, Kara. My speech had nothing to do with me asking you to take me back. Your happiness in general is all that will ever matter to me.” Cat said before she smiled at the kryptonian. “But I can see something else in your eyes, Kara. You have a plan to get your loved ones back. Your greatest assets have always been your optimism and heart. Use them now and follow your heart. I’ll distract your sister do what you have to do.”

“Thank You, for everything, if things had been differently, we might have had something better.” Kara replied back an actual smile gracing her lips.

“I know, now go on; up, up and away with you, Supergirl.”

Looking up she watches Supergirl get farther out until she couldn’t see her anymore allowing herself to count to fifteen Cat breaks down loosing all composure. She’s lost the love of her life and there isn’t anything she could do about it. And worst of all she pushed her into that asshole’s waiting arms. She lost again but the thing that hurt the most was that she actually had a chance and she blew it. 

“I will always love you my darling, Kara.” Is the only thing Cat can whisper before sobs wrack her body.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not ship k*r*mel at all so just assume everything happened like it did on the show and soon after Kara also said goodbye to Mondouche. So i apologize for writing this. I love Supercat but i also enjoy angst and making my characters cry. But I actually wanted to write a bit of a happier ending and if i get enough asks i might be inspired to dig deep and write an alternate happier ending. 
> 
> Also this hasn't been beta'd so any spelling or grammatical errors are mine. Kudos and comments or criticism is greatly appreciated.


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